Many of you that follow this blog know that I have been co-facilitating trainings for the past 2 and a half years with my friend and colleague Dr. Alana Tappin. Our workshop is called, “Shame Resilience and Transformation Skills for white people: A pathway to authentic relationships with People of Color. The more we do this work, the more I learn about myself and the many ways that white supremacy and internalized racial superiority impact all of my relationships, including the relationship I have with myself. 

Recently, I have started to really understand the connection between perfectionism and my obsession with time. I grew up in a household where being on time was a golden rule. I remember my father threatening to make me go to school in my pajamas if I wasn’t dressed and ready to go when my ride came (it never happened but that was only because I never gave it a chance to happen). Not only were we always on time for things but often ended up being early. Once, we showed up for a party over 30 minutes early and my sister and I refused to go in. We made my dad drive around in the car for 20 minutes so we would only be 10 minutes early. What does that have to do with race or IRS (Internalized Racial Superiority) you ask?  To start with, I was raised in a white family by white parents, so how can it not have anything to do with race. My parents raised me in whiteness that was swimming in white supremacy culture and norms even if they didn’t realize it. I have only recently realized how time fits into this paradigm. I have internalized being on time as a norm and I judge myself and others on their timeliness. It cuts even deeper though. I hold myself to an unforgiving standard. IRS and white supremacy culture have taught me to believe that my value as a human being is equated with being on time.  There is an entire internal and unconscious (until recently) monologue that goes on in my head around being “on time.” It says, “If I am not on time, that means I am untrustworthy, which means I am bad, which means I am not good enough, and at the very root, I am not valuable as a human being.”  Yup, all that self-loathing lurking underneath a concept as simple as being or not being “on time”!!!  When I finally allowed myself to see and really feel this, it was (and still is) heartbreaking. This is some of the damage that white supremacy has done to me. Yet, in some ways, it felt wrong to have compassion for what white supremacy has done to me without feeling like I was letting myself off the hook. However, I am now beginning to wonder what it would be like to acknowledge both my suffering and my internalized racial superiority at the same time. What if acknowledging my suffering is the beginning of the process of me taking responsibility for my internalized racial superiority? 

Maybe this unpacking of my own personal pain and growth will inspire you to continue your own. I hope so. I do know that we can only be truly accountable to real equity and social justice when we are working on our own healing. Together, let us continue to take the necessary steps to repair the harm of racism and white supremacy culture on all of our humanity! 

See you on the journey,

Robin

Robin Schlenger