Using the Window of Tolerance to Build Resilience #threefifthsmagazine

The word resilience gets tossed around a lot and it means different things to different people. Webster defines resilience as, “a: capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture. b: tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”  What stands out to me is that resilience is always associated with some type of adverse experience or event. I have heard several Black women say that they are tired of being called resilient and don’t see it as a compliment but would  rather not have to be resilient.  As a therapist, I have worked with clients who have been impacted by trauma and many of them told me that it  frustrates them when people call them resilient. Some have said that resilience isn’t a choice or a personality trait, but the only option for survival.  

Trauma comes in many forms and one that has not been named enough is Racial Trauma. Dr. Kenneth V. Hardy says that, ”Racial trauma is inevitable when you have a group of people continuously and systematically oppressed.” He defines Racial Trauma as, “a life altering debilitating condition that is the byproduct of an individual or groups racial identity and its systematic and hyper-exposure to racial oppression and degradation. I believe that White Supremacy has harmed BIPOC and white people and we all have healing to do. 

You might be asking, what do white people need to heal from? I have witnessed the ways that White Supremacy destroys the lives of BIPOC and I am also a witness to the ways in which it has eroded the humanity of white people. For me this means healing my soul from the sickness of white supremacy. It means unpacking what it means to be an oppressor without getting defensive, causing harm, retreating  or dissociating when I get uncomfortable. This means building the necessary resilience to stay with it when it feels hard to sit in my feelings around race and my identity as an oppressor. I think this is what Robin DiAngelo meant when she said white people need to build a thicker skin.

Dr. Alana Tappin and I “created a workshop specifically designed to help white people stay actively engaged in meaningful racial conversations and cross-racial relationships without surrendering to the white shame that often stifles and smothers racially just behaviors” (Schlenger, R., Tappin, A., 2022). We use Dr. Dan Siegel’s concept of The Window of Tolerance as a tool for building a thicker skin.  Dr. Siegal describes The  Window of Tolerance as, “the optimal zone of 'arousal' for a person to function in everyday life." The idea is that when we are in this zone, we can effectively manage and cope with our emotions. This doesn’t mean that everything is calm and easy. Expanding our window of tolerance to manage white shame  allows us white folks to stay in the conversation without hijacking it or taking an escape route. When we are in a stressed, dysregulated, and fragile state, we cause harm to People of Color through our actions and also through our silence. The inability to manage our stress response is a skill deficit that can be addressed through skills training and practice. Expanding our Window of Tolerance as white people makes us less fragile and more trustworthy.

Once we learn to notice that we are leaving our Window of Tolerance we can engage in techniques in the moment that will allow us to remain in our Window of Tolerance. Forms of stress, trauma, and avoidance (like “colorblindness”) shrink our Window of Tolerance while grounding and connecting activities widen it. The more we notice in the moment, intervene with ourselves, and succeed in remaining in our Window of Tolerance the wider our it becomes, not only for that moment, but also for future anti-racism dialog. Working to stay in our Window of Tolerance is not about comfort or control, it’s about accepting a state of discomfort and maintaining access to the resources of regulation we need to stay present and connected to cause less harm to People of Color

Growing resilience means leaning into discomfort, being uncomfortable and taking a risk. As white people, part of our healing means  taking responsibility for the harm we’ve caused, learning from it, making reparations and getting back up again.

See you on the journey,

Robin

Robin Schlenger