A few weeks ago a friend of mine who is a white drama therapist posted a link to the upcoming Shame Resilience and Transformation Skills for white people workshop (that I co-facilitate with Dr. Alana Tappin) on one of her professional listservs. Later the same day, she emailed me and shared a post in response (from another white woman) that infuriated her. I took a look at the post and felt a familiar defensiveness come up and then brushed it off as just another of many negative comments my workshop postings often provoke. I was thinking, “this isn’t my listserv, let someone else deal with it.” I’m NOT proud of that, but that is where I was. Folks did deal with it though. I read two responses to the post that caused the outrage,  that were right on point. One that really inspired me was written by a white male drama therapist. I want to share it because it inspires me to be kinder. It's a reminder of how we as white folks can hold each other accountable without shaming each other and losing our humanity in the process. 

“I would ask you to consider (on your own and with people you can talk about this with) what it is about the mere posting of this training that touched a nerve in you to the point that you felt you had to defend yourself and your career so publicly. And that you felt it important to disavow the entire premise of the training because it doesn’t fit your understanding of your own experience. Why not just move past it as you might with any other training that isn’t of interest to you?

We have real problems with racism in our country, our culture, and even in our profession. Data on racial disparities is incontrovertible and extends beyond who was given assistance or who worked hard. My experience as a white man is certainly one of being fed messages about my own worth while also teaching me to not be aware of my race the way my BIPOC colleagues and friends have had to be—for reasons of survival, lack of recognition, and reconciling with being treated differently. Many white colleagues I’ve spoken to have shared similar experiences of being similarly conditioned. Your lack of recognition of that in your own life doesn’t justify negating others’ perspectives and experiences—especially not on a professional listserv. 

Isn’t it our job as therapists to be curious about that which we don’t understand? I’d like to gently invite that of you at this moment.”

After reading this response, I was humbled and a little jealous that I hadn’t been able to do that. Remember that competition is a manifestation of white supremacy culture and I find it often shows up for me with other white folks. I can’t count the times that I have found myself falling into the “I’m a better white ally than you” mindset. 

So with his response, I had even more reason to feel like I didn’t need to do anything.

A day later, I received an email from a friend and fellow social worker, Amira Martin. Amira who is a WOC was told about the post and comments by a white woman on the listserv that she considers an ally. The woman was upset and was looking for advice about what to do. Amira wanted to talk about what she and I could do together. I shared the above response with her and told her why I thought we didn't need to do anything further. She told me how hurt and angry she was when she read it and we talked about the impact it had on the listserv community. I felt the fierce stab of my white shame showing up. Here is this WOC that I care for and respect coming to me to address a response to my workshop that hurt her. This shouldn’t be her burden to bear. It should be my work as a white woman who calls herself anti-racist. That was the wakeup call. Together, we came up with an idea that we hoped would  serve as a healing opportunity for each of us and the listserv community. The result is the interview we did. (See below resources “Black pain, white shame and everyone’s healing.”) What I realized when I took an honest look at myself, was that when I was thinking, “I don't need to do anything, what I really meant was I don’t want to.” Once I saw that, I was able to transform my shame into a beautiful co-creation of healing.  

Looking forward to seeing you on the journey,

Robin

EARLY BIRD TIX STILL AVAILABLE

CONTACT & CONVERSATION: “Creating authentic conversations around race through mindfulness” - Join Darryl Akin-Afam and Robin Schlenger virtually on Zoom for a two-hour taste of CONTACT & CONVERSATION 1.0 on Saturday, February 19th (11am-1:00pm EST) https://www.eventbrite.com/e/167335158965

I was interviewed by Marsha Ramroop, RIBA Director of Inclusion and former BBC journalist. You can find my interview at 47:30; the entire video is about an hour long.

I was interviewed by Amira Martin, LCSW-R, and I shared more about my private practice, training, and leadership work. Throughout the interview, I talked about my approach to my work as a white therapist using an anti-racist perspective.

Robin Schlenger